I'm not an easy woman to love. I am strong willed, independent, opinionated, educated, compassionate, understanding, forgiving, informed, yielding, accepting, sarcastic, demanding, fair, believe in equality in all things, and hold myself to unreachable standards.
I passionately dislike laziness, self-pity, doubt, whining, bigotry, disrespect, martyrdom, lousy lovers, ignorance, braggarts, and excuses. Physically I do not meet the implied beauty standards of America, which doesn't bother me but does bother others when I hold my head up high and I am comfortable in my own skin.
I put my kids needs above all others including myself and that is hard for someone to come in 2nd or 3rd place and understand that it doesn't change how I feel about them, it only changes the urgency to which I respond. I have peculiar coping skills that could land me baking a cake, while painting the bathroom, as I kickbox the heavy bag, as I try to meditate. I have an insatiable sex drive complicated even further by the fact that in the words of Drop Dead Fred "there's actual cobwebs up there." That becomes even harder to navigate because I am socially awkward, have repetitive behaviors, tend to say too much, and often don't filter my responses based on my audience. Sometimes I can be too much... not for myself, but generally for others.
I am so unbelievably comfortable being alone that most people wouldn't understand this depth of solitude. The flip side of that is I desire intimacy. Not sex, intimacy... I love and feel deeply, so much so I give my love away freely to just about anyone who crosses my path. I exude energies outward whether that be joy, healing, loathing, sexuality, comfort, etc... I force my energies out creating a protective bubble around me all while loving those around me. I talk to the trees, the flowers, the animals in my back yard. I know the elements hold deep powers and that energy can be found in everything. I see, sense, feel, know things that others don't and I sometimes heal people without even saying a word. I hold Western medicine practices on high regard, but I also hold Eastern and ancient practices in the same regard. My emotions are impacted by the weather and I feel things deeper than most.
I know when friends are in trouble and can sense and feel the pains of others around me, sometimes from great distances. I can feel the heartache of my friend whose son has gone to college and it feels like someone is carving away slowly at her heart, she did not expect to feel this loss and she feels guilt for feeling this way because she knows he has to grow up and this is his moment. I can feel the fear of another friend facing the uncertainty of financial change that feels out our her control, I can feel her struggling to gain a foothold as she is gaining confidence in herself and accepting responsibility for what happens in her life learning to trust that she is strong enough to do this on her own. There is another friend so lost in her narrative that her smile is beautiful but forced, she is comfortable, but deeply hurting and feels trapped, she overcame where she was from only to lose herself to who she is now... just know, you are beautiful, you are strong, and you are worth it. I see you; I see all of you and I feel your stories...
I am a difficult woman to love because I can be too much to take in, to understand, to fully know... but regardless I love with no boundaries, not in that call the cops sort of way, but in the way that I want to support you through your journey to discovering who you are and just how beautiful that is.
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